Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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