saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
