Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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