I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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