Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
