i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
