babies were throwing up all over the place
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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