Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Can you bring me the toilet please
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
