Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
