Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
