then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
