Cold hands, warm shart.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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