Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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