when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
