I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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