i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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