It was confusing and full of hummus
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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