he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
