It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i think i just lost a toe
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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