I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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