If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
