i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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