Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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