I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
