im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
