My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
