he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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