Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
