u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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