Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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