my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
