yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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