i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
