In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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