What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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