If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
