oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
