He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
