I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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