do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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