A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
