I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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