Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
