GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
