I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
