My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
