Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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