my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
