but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
