Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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