we made out on top of his cat.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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