well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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