Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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